Ramblings of my goings-on

One of my older sisters invited me to grab some coffee and go for a walk so we could catch up last week. Our schedules haven't aligned much lately and now that we don't have our Thursday coffee dates I jumped at the chance despite having a french press already steeping on my counter. I opened up to her about the recent improvements I was making when it came to running. One of the things I love most about her is she can see things in ways I cannot.

"It's probably because you are no longer struggling day-to-day like you were a year ago. Now instead of going for a run as an vital part of destressing, you get to choose to run just for fun."

Although I have long realized how much running has been a huge source of therapy throughout my divorce and although I constantly tell people "I run for fun," I never put those pieces together with my running improvement. I started adding up different elements in my life that suddenly were making sense to the bigger picture. Not too long ago my younger sister talked me into a certain activity that shall go unnamed. I was actually excited about something other than running for a change! After roughly a month there was an ultimatum that I inadvertently prompted. If I wanted the fun to continue, I needed to devote a significant chunk of my babysitting resources for the next 4-5 months. If you are a single parent, you know full well how desperately essential it is to your social life to not to tax out your babysitting resources. Unfortunately, but not regrettably, I balked.

And not too long after I had this run.

Let me explain this to all of those who don't know me. This was huge!!!! Every single marathon I have run has involved some sort of walking break. The longest I can recall running without a walking break is 14, maybe 16 miles. I've never been strong after 15 so to run that far with no walk break was unseen by me before. I felt I could have gone much longer too had it not been I had a limited time to run before picking up my daughter. The second component to note of this run was that it was at a sub-9:00 pace. This is not a pace I am familiar with maintaining beyond 8 miles. Add these two together with no GI issues, minimal muscle soreness, and no post-run headache and you've got yourself a breakthrough.

I've spent a long time analyzing changes that have happened (beyond my sister's) so I could keep on course. The two main changes I can attribute are (1) consistently training and (2) nutrition.

Consistency 

I completely changed my data entry business so that I can have two guaranteed solo quality runs a week. If I was going to get faster I simply had to have some non-stroller runs. No doubt stroller running has made me stronger, especially now that my girl is approximately 30 pounds, but if I was serious about going after a marathon PR I needed to commit. I'm paying dearly for that commitment but I'm very fortunate for the job I have which allows me the income for it. My daughter fully enjoying the socialization at daycare is an added bonus. I've had days where she cries, kicks and screams when it's time to go home which is the surest sign of the right daycare for your child, or so I've been told. Dependable child care is something I did not have for the first 1.5 years of my daughter's life, and it has made a world of difference, for both of us.

Nutrition

A couple of months ago I decided it was time for a diet tweaking and went with the following changes.

Maca powder: For women's health reasons and reported energy boosts. I found it disgusting to smell and almost non-consumable at first. Its unique flavor profile overpowered anything I tried adding it to but with consistent use the flavor has since become undetectable and the smell no longer repulsing. Makes you want to try it, right? I use it in my daily afternoon smoothie.

Hemp protein powder: For protein (obviously!). Initially I started using this as a partial flour substitute in baked goods but now use it in my daily afternoon smoothie. This has been a marvelous addition since dairy/whey protein and egg protein disagree with me.

Local honey: For allergies and immunity boost. This isn't a new addition but I now take it daily instead of when I think I'm coming down with something. For the first time in years I have not suffered Spring allergies (knock on wood).

Lentils: For digestive health and protein. I am still a flexitarian and don't plan on giving up red meat as pescetarians do. What can I say? I crave beef after a long run. Long ago I swapped ground turkey for ground beef. Now I'm swapping out ground turkey for lentils. By far my favorite swap out as been for tacos but this soup sealed the deal for consuming lentils on a regular basis.

This past Sunday I decided on some more tweaking. I'm now going to attempt adding lucuma powder, carob powder, and mulberries. Eliminating all sources of carrageenan is taking a top priority which will start with committing to making 100% of the nut milk we consume.

The latest recipes that really trip my trigger: Cool-aid, chickpea blondies, and baked cinnamon apples (using coconut butter and serving like a cereal with nut milk).

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My confession

Confession time. I have suffered from eating disorders for as long as I can remember. As a child I gnawed ice chips until my gums bled. I didn't know until adulthood that this is a form of an eating disorder called pica and can be a result of a nutrient deficiency. (I've suffered from iron-deficient anemia for all of my childhood and some of my adulthood). In high school I tried (yes, tried) to become anorexic. This did not work for me and wrecked my already fragile self-image. I became bulimic in high school and this continued into college. Freshman year after passing out on the steps heading up to class I realized I had a problem. A went to the doctor for help and he sent me to a psychiatrist. After hearing my initial concerns the psychiatrist lead me to a scale, my most feared place, and had me step on it. She tsked-tsked at me, nodded dissaprovingly and stated I "weighed too much to have any issues with eating". She prescribed me some anti-depressants, said I needed a tutor to help with my grades then sent me off. Each visit with her left me feeling worse than before stepping in her office.

I felt lost, hopeless, and utterly foolish. The doctor said I was in excellent physical health, and with a psychiatrist telling me I didn't have a problem either, I turned towards binging and purging for a "quick fix" in my mood.

Then an article caught my eyes that has changed everything.

I have no idea what magazine it was or what the article was actually about, but I do remember reading that a half hour of daily exercise can be more beneficial than anti-depressants. It suggested to take up running. I immediately weaned myself off anti-depressants within a couple of days and went out for my first run. I was a failed high school track member so running again terrified me, but I wanted something in my life to change. I had no idea what I was in for.

It was no easy road to get to where I am today. My eating disorder was at it's worst when I served as a volunteer in Peace Corps.  I became the strongest I ever had been physically while training for my first ever non-track meet race, the Kilimanjaro Marathon. With no watchful eyes around me I became the skinniest my 5-foot 6.75-inch medium-built frame has ever been.

137 pounds....

This number has haunted me since I left Africa and came back to the states. I wanted that number on the scale again oh so bad but even in times I suffered relapses I never saw it again.

I last relapsed approximately a year ago with a single purge fueled by rage I felt during the initial period of time I was dealing with separating from my almost-ex-husband. For the first time ever I did not get the "high" afterwards. This flipped something in me, something I've needed flipped so desperately. I no longer think of binging and purging. I no longer purposefully go without eating for "just a little bit" to see if the number on the scale will budge. None of that at all. It's an incredible, freeing thing to not be held captive by food and a number.

These days I live for food and love cooking. My flexitarian foodstyle fuels my body with an abundant amount of energy, keeps me strong, and enhances many aspects of my health. Each and every day I look forward to eating. I have no fear of food. I rarely step on a scale these days. The last time I stepped on a scale was back in December.

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

For the first time in my life I love my body, imperfections and all. Today, I stepped on a scale. What I saw shocked and amazed me in the same moment. My love of fitness (particularly running of course!) and my exploration into a flexiatarian diet has allowed me to beat the beast.

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