Not just another run

My run today gave me the most unanticipated cathartic relief. I had been harboring something in me that needed to come out and it did so with gusto.

This morning I awoke with the most intense ultra fever and am not sure why I caught it. My goal for the year is to become a faster runner. I thought that's what I wanted. So how come when it comes time for me to "push" myself out on a run all I do is dread the lack of air in my lungs and pit in my stomach and stop trying? Why do I long for the burn in my legs that only distance running gives me? Why am I constantly daydreaming of mountains and single-tracks? Why was I looking up local ultramarathons instead of flat marathons? What brought me to the point of almost signing up for a 50 this morning?

Instead of forcing myself to answer the yet unanswerable, I went out for my Monday run which was to be about 8 miles. My mind was spinning trying to figure out what truly were my current running goals versus perhaps romanticized bucket-list items. Halfway into the run I abandoned the route and went wherever I felt the urge to go. I was on the verge of figuring it all out and I needed time to think.

It was starting to get close to the time I needed to pickup my daughter at daycare so I reluctantly ended the run. Upon checking my watch I was stunned to see I had been running for 1 hour and 59 minutes. It felt like it had only been an hour. Upon checking the mileage I was even more stunned to see I ran 13.1 miles by the time I stopped. Never before have I held that comfortable of a pace for a half and finished in under 2 hours.

I wanted to quick write about what I was thinking about during this run before they were gone but the words wouldn't come out. Frustrated I went on Facebook to vent.

Me: Writer's block, snarf...

Molly: Break thru the wall :)

Me: Maybe tonight lol there's too much fog in my head after today's run. At first I can see what I want to write and then it get's completely cloudy again only to be revealed for a few more seconds. I can't get enough clarity to grasp the thoughts long enough to write! Not sure if that makes any sense.

Molly: Totally makes sense. I've done both strategies: take a break and come back later; and just start writing, even if it's sh!t at first and as I work, finally the idea gets out (then go back and delete all the stuff I wrote first lol). Either way, you will break through, I know it :)

Me: I'm always "writing" when I'm out running. My thoughts are so "in the moment" that I'm always afraid if I don't jot them down they'll be lost forever. Today I figured out what I wanted after being hit behind my ultra fever but I'm totally failing to form the answer in a concrete way. Perhaps I'm struggling with the abstractness of it. My running goals aren't tangible. It's not a medal I want to touch. It's something undefinable at the moment.

Molly: That sounds like a "write write write" and it will eventually come out thing to me :) Take a break and then make yourself write, even if it's not coming out as what you want to say, start somewhere and it will eventually come out. You'll find a way to represent the abstract idea :) Or - this could work too! - wait til your next run and run with paper/pen tucked in a backpack? Or voice recorder on your phone? ;)

Reading back on that an hour later I'm not even in sure what I was trying to say and I see an obvious conflict in my own words. Let's just leave it that I was lost in thought. What followed immediately after the chat with Molly wasn't pretty. I was driving to daycare and kept going over what I had thought about during the run. It stung through me like I had been struck by lightening. I identified my goal. I called Molly up in tears. Why the hell I was crying I don't know. I got emotional over it, what can I say? I'll always be a chick in that aspect no matter what. I've built this wall up around me this past year but sometimes it crumbles. I'm human.

Somewhere between the tears I got what I needed to off my chest and the tears stopped. In turn Molly reassured me that this was why Über Mother Runner was created. I definitely should write about it. 

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” 

― Nelson Mandela

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Just another run: Wordle

I've seen these floating around in various locations before but had no idea I could create my own Wordle until MyFiveFingers shared the link. I simply had to create one for myself. I first used my blog address on their create page but I didn't like that Wordle because the words that became so prominent were all about Mocha's condition. I miss and will always love my dog but I wanted a Wordle about RUNNING. So I used the text from my just another run post and with just a little tweaking got this....

I'll be going back to San Diego to visit in January, and I'm already imagining the feel of sand between my toes again. I also have a trail marathon to look forward to, and it's only 3 weeks after the winter ultra. Booyah!

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Just another run

Last night was one of those runs in which I tell myself, this is why I run! I don’t frequently get the chance to run sans stroller and knowing I was about to get 3.5 miles just to myself was tantalizing. The prAna outfit I won during ladies night at a big-box running store had just arrived in the mail so I threw on my Sugar Mini Skirt for a test spin. I instantly could tell this skirt was not going to let me down. I took off towards the Silver Strand pathway and waited for the GPS to connect on my Motoactv watch. Clouds were full and low-hanging which caused my Motoactv watch to fail at getting a connection for the first time since I first used it a couple weeks ago. I pressed play on whatever tunes had synced onto my Motoactv and got going.

I almost never run with music. The only times I have found it useful were in the exceedingly rare times I have performed speed work or hill repeats. Come to think of it that type of training hasn’t happened since 2009. Within seconds of turning the volume up as the sun was setting rapidly, my thoughts were brought back to my regular trail just off H Street in Chula Vista, back when I had the freedom to enjoy 10+ miles of night running on a whim, back when my dog could run farther than me. Now my dog cannot run a mile without getting exhausted and without her I dare not run around San Diego alone at night. Now any run longer than 3 miles takes a little bit of planning and runs longer than 6 miles take considerable planning. I let myself sink into the music instead of dwell on life changes.

A strange thing happens when listening to music while running and it often is the reason I tell others don’t run with music—you don’t pay attention to your surroundings nearly as much. But tonight the Silver Strand pathway that bores me immensely was rather enjoyable. I am so familiar with this mile’ish long dirt path that even though the sun was setting and the trail was rapidly becoming engulfed with shadows I was able to zone out within minutes instead of miles. I love that transcending feeling when you run without thinking of what your body is doing and your mind is a million miles away. It is one of the main reasons I run, to reach that level of what I consider my meditative state.

It was short lived as I had to cross the street to the naval gate. After greeting the gate guys and showing them my dependent ID, I strode across the parking lot to drop off the Redbox rentals due. Then I took my shoes and socks off and tenderly made my way to the beach. I probably shouldn’t have tried barefoot running after scrapping the leather-like layer of yuck off my feet earlier that day which now left my pads tender. But the beach was just on the other side of the building so I simply shortened my stride until touching the sand.

After crossing the berm the crashing waves made me pause. Something about waves can turn me instantly zombie-like as I stare out and take it all in. The waves were so loud I could barely hear my music. I cranked it up a couple notches, drew in one long purposeful smell of ocean air then took off with a shoe in each hand. The sun had already set and, of course, I never thought to bring a light—or my dog. I cruised on, squinting down just to where my feet were landing and forced myself to run in the soft sand. Definitely not tuned in yet to sand. I couldn’t hit that meditation state this time as I focused intently on my path. I felt things under my feet I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I should have just kept going but instead I stopped to get a closer look. Dead crabs and piles of bird skeletons and feathers. My stomach turned. Who knows what else was out there that I was stepping on. I did the best I could to steer clear of anything that didn’t resemble sand and ignored any squishy sensations or crunchy sounds under my feet.

I made my way past the gross obstacles and saw a couple holding each other tight and remembered many nighttime walks with my guy out here. I kept running instead of dwelling. Turns out music is a wonderful distraction.

Soon I could see the palm trees and boat masts which meant I was almost done. I was slightly disoriented though and couldn’t quite manage the right path from the shore to get to the bay side and stumbled in and out of the wildlife preservation area. Oops! Eventually I found the right path and once my feet left the soft sand my stride again got chopped in half in order to get across the crushed up  and slightly painful shells and over the highway. I had forgotten the code to the gate so when I saw a car about to enter I picked up my pace so I could sneak in. As I shamefully pussy-footed over the parking lot and picked glass shards out of my feet I can only assume the look on the gentleman’s face when he saw me meant I looked a bit…crazed.

I ran the last stretch of beach, now on the bay side, with an even quicker stride. The thorns from the weeds were killing my feet at this point. I killed my music, picked the thorns out, and came inside my house to a little girl who was well aware I was home and it was bedtime.

What a great run!

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